Rachel // Stage IIB/Grade 3, Breast Cancer Survivor(2011)

Age: 43 years old

From: Houston, TX

What treatments did you undergo during your journey? Chemotherapy, surgery, and other kinds of treatment.

What were your signs/symptoms leading up to your diagnosis? Felt a swollen lymph node on my right side ribs, some fatigue, and not much else that I can remember.

How did cancer alter your lifestyle? Mentally, I was definitely not prepared to hear that I had cancer at 30 years old, a cancer type that didn’t run in my family at all. My children were 4 and 7 at the time, and I had just moved into a house with my boyfriend (now husband). It definitely shook me to my core mentally, consuming all my thoughts — and I was blaming myself for the cancer. Physically I became weaker with treatment and began looking different within just a few weeks. My biggest concern about my changing looks wasn’t even for my own vanity, it was more about how my kids would see me. We had to explain to them, hopefully well enough, that I was going to look even sicker while I was getting better. That if I looked worse, that meant it was working. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I was all over the place. Gratitude one minute for how quickly the team of doctors moved me through the process of receiving treatment – within 4 days of my diagnosis, I was having my first chemo. Then I would jump to utter dread, that my life was coming to an end, and what had I really done with it?? Spiritually, I began, almost immediately, bargaining with God. “Just let me see my kids grow up, then You can take me.” and “If it is my time to die, don’t let them see me suffer, let it be quick.” And of course, I was surrounded by the prayers of others, which brought me comfort in the times I needed to lock myself away from everyone, even God. But one thing I didn’t expect to happen from cancer was the negative survivor side effects. And I am not talking about the eyebrows that didn’t come back, or the scars that I will carry the rest of my life – but these deeper/darker side effects that still haunt me almost 13 years later. I am grateful to be healed. I am grateful beyond measure to still have my family and to have made so many more memories that were not guaranteed to me, like getting married, watching both children graduate high school, and celebrating milestone birthdays with my aging parents. I am grateful I am still here, but Survivor’s Guilt is a real thing, and it creeps in at the worst times – breaking my heart and having me question my purpose for being spared. Then of course, I still have moments of unexplained illness or a new bump, lump, or pain causing me dinosaur-sized anxiety. But so far, I am still here, I am still clear of disease, and I am trying my best to be worthy of the life I have left.

What makes your story unique or helpful to others? I don’t know how unique I am – but I was young, no one else in my family has had this type of cancer (so it was most likely environmental) and I never felt anything in my breast, only ever on my ribs. So, I try to share as much as I can, because it was something that I was going to just overlook, until it didn’t go away for 6 months and my now husband was adamant I go get checked out.

Any advice for those coming behind you? Breathe. It sounds cliche, but taking a lot of deep breaths helped me through some of the rougher moments. Knowing that it was not really in my hands anymore, and I had to exercise a lot of faith and trust in God and doctors. And just find the process, the treatment plan, that is right for you. Don’t let anyone else try to force their experience or opinions on you. Ask advice when you want it, but ultimately trust yourself. Oh, and if you have kids, do your best to talk with them about it, but definitely talk to them. I am glad we didn’t leave them out of the process, especially because my looks were going to change in ways we could not explain away. And then after you talk with them, give them the space to process and ask questions the way they need to. Don’t force them to tell you how they feel. You will see it in the ways they play, the ways they love on you, look at you, and what they ask. My son immediately went into his room and started playing doctor on his stuffed animals. I walked in on him adding a “port” to one of his bears – he was using his Ironman Arc Reactor (the thing on Ironman’s chest) as the port. It brought me to tears, but it was beautiful seeing him sort it out in his mind, and reach acceptance that these things were going to help his momma stick around.

Do you have a funny cancer story? Don’t know how funny this is to anyone but other cancer patients. But I ALWAYS tried to stay awake through the Benadryl bag during my long chemo sessions. It never happened. I would get maybe a quarter of the way through and would zonk out. Then I would wake up 7 hours later. Lol. Oh, and we found it really fun to let my kids wear the wig I chose, and my son who has my face, looked like a mini me with it on, that was pretty fun.

Favorite quote, scripture or song? “It always seems impossible, until it’s done.” — Nelson Mandela

How did you hear about Brighter? How has it made a difference? I connected with Helen through a mutual friend, to actually see about working together on some creative projects for the magazine — and I immediately became a subscriber, even though I am here in Houston (not Dallas). The only cancer magazine I had during my actual journey with cancer was more of a medical journal than a piece that I could personally connect with. Brighter is the exact opposite. To have something that marries the necessary educational side of a cancer publication with something that feels like an entertainment piece made just for me is a brilliant formula that many will be impacted by.