As you’ve likely already experienced, now that you’re a part of the cancer club, people will ask you for advice on what to say or do for their friends who are going through cancer treatment.

I always tell them that it depends on where they are in their journey of treatment. If they’re just finding out and still in shock from diagnosis, wanting very few people to know, then they may not want as much said or done as when they’re in the depths of chemo despair. But in any case, as for what to SAY: I recommend saying a prayer and letting them know you love and care about them. Describe the light that they bring to the world. Those are good things to say at any time to anyone.

As far as gifts of time, talent or treasure go, I recommend giving LOVE and LIGHT, and don’t forget to CARE for the CAREGIVER!!

LOVE

Tell the person you love them through words, deeds or small gestures.

Cards

Nothing brightens your day like a card! Doesn’t have to be fancy, funny or really anything remarkable. Just a quick note to say you’re thinking of them means a lot. Cards are easier than email because you aren’t compelled to reply. And cards are great from the very beginning to the very end—I had a 12-month treatment plan and received a card from from one of my mom’s friends almost every month (wow!). But even one card or note is quite memorable.

Comfot

Fuzzy blankets, comfy pajamas, Barefoot Dreams robes. We spent July 4th with our cousins every year, so I was especially thankful for the soft American flag blanket that my sister-in-law sent to me when I couldn’t travel to be with her that summer!

Time Away

Give your friend a gift certificate to a restaurant so they can have a night out with their spouse to connect without the kids around. Or maybe invite the kids over to swim or play while the parents get to stay home and hang out in the quiet house. Have a lake house? Invite your friend out for a visit.

Music

I loved any kind of music---running tunes, crazy 80’s soundtracks, mellow meditation music, spa music, country music for back patio bbqs, mixed tapes rock! Any kind of music helped me savor good times, relax or get pumped up. Songs reminded me of the friend who recommended them, which helped me feel connected to them.

Flowers

Flowers felt too serious to me at the beginning, but by the time I’d had my surgery and was into chemo, I really appreciated receiving flowers. Orchids or succulents are especially great because they don’t have a strong scent and don’t need to be watered often–even artificial flowers could be nice in that regard! 

Photos

I especially loved when people sent old photos from high school or college, photos of their children with my children, them with me, anyone doing fun things or of beautiful mountain views, sunsets, etc. I was especially thankful for photos or videos of my children if I had to miss games or school plays. I REALLY appreciated it when people sent me photos of my kids in action. I still appreciate this, even when I’m not sick! Another thing that would be neat is to hire a professional (or amateur!) photographer to take a family photo before your friend loses her hair (or after!)

Talent

Are you great at something? Make-up? Ironing? Cooking? Scrapbooking? Databases? Maybe you could help them do something they need. (See “lightening their load” below.) And not just the patient, but also their support team. One friend’s son was a lacrosse whiz, and, at his mom’s recommendation, he came over to do lacrosse drills with our kids in our backyard. What a great idea!

Solidarity

Anything you can do that shows you’re on their team. Wear their favorite color. Drink their favorite drink. Get matching bracelets. Make team t-shirts. Run Race for the Cure in their honor. Create a group text with supporters and friends. However–make SURE you have their blessing before doing this. See side bar→

*Side Bar: Be VERY careful about doing anything public before the person is ready, especially with social media. Don’t create a hashtag before they’re okay with it! One friend was keeping her diagnosis secret, but someone “surprised” her with team t-shirts for their whole office. This did NOT go over well. However, another friend’s book club did the same, once the diagnosis was already public, and it was amazing. Perhaps at the beginning you simply wear their favorite color. Note also that people are particular about colors. Often they prefer you choose their favorite color or a school color instead of the color of their disease, as many don’t want to be defined by their disease.

Presence

This is tricky because sometimes the person feels so bad that they really don’t want visitors—definitely respect that. However, when they’re up for visitors, that may be the best gift you could give them. You don’t need to bring anything. Go on a walk with them, drive them to a doctor’s appointment or sit with them for chemo. Your presence is your present. 

AND LIGHT

Cancer is heavy so anything light was a relief. 

Lighten the Mood

Once I understood the heaviness of cancer treatment, I loved anything funny, whimsical or any kind of levity to take my mind off of it. One friend texted me a random photo of a horse smiling. Hilarious! Others suggested funny podcasts. Send a Batman t-shirt, a Wonder Woman figurine, a silly card, meme or a joke of the day. Seasonal décor is always fun—decorate their house for Valentine’s Day! Give them a pack of Halloween plates and napkins. Put up encouraging posters! Funny pictures or memories from old friends were especially great mood-lifters.

Lighten the Load

Help with logistics. Come over and wash dishes. Pick up produce from the farmer’s market. Drop a kid home from practice. Help clean out a closet. Organize their Christmas card address list. Take notes at the school speaker event. Find out what medicine or random things they need for their treatment and get it for them. Buy them a long charging cord for their iPhone to reach the plug from their hospital bed. Shop for a scarf to cover their bald head. Find a good calendar or journal for marking down all their medications and side effects and a place to take notes before/after/during doctor’s visits. Buy the teacher appreciation gift for them. Order a pizza or Chinese to be delivered. 

Lighten the Spirit

I loved healing stones, Clinging Crosses, devotional books, the Headspace app, funny glow in the dark nun figurines, bookmarks with Bible verses, music with hymns to calm me while lying in bed, meditation CDs, pocket crosses, a deck of cards with notes or quotes of inspiration, a note that someone had lit a candle for me in a chapel while they were on vacation, a prayer bead/shawl, etc. Stick post-it notes all over their bathroom mirror or office desk with inspirational quotes or reminders that you love and appreciate them!

Remember to CELEBRATE SMALL WINS! Anything and everything counts.